We traveled to Paris this summer for "The Paris Air Show" with Dan's company.  Dan worked half of the trip and played the other.  My Mom came with us as well and we rented a beautiful and loud apartment in the 1st Arrondissement steps from The Louvre.  

One of the most numinous experiences for me was when we visited Notre Dame Cathedral.  We walked inside the quiet, dark, dramatic, and detailed cathedral.  We snaked through the cordoned off pathway along with the rest of the tourists, bumping into each other looking up at the stained glass.  We came to small vingettes where candles sat waiting for someone to say a pray and light a candle.  I froze taken aback by God's amazing grace.  By His answer to my little prayer 10 years ago. 

Dan and I visited Notre Dame years before, longing for a child.  To be completely honest, desperate for a child,  It felt like a puzzle piece in our marriage that was missing.  I can remember  quietly standing near the same candles crying out (quietly) to God.  I begged him for contentment, I pleaded with Him that I NEEDED  a child.  I knew in my heart that there was a huge possiblity that Dan and I might  never be able to conceive.  I wanted to be content with that.  I wanted Dan to be enough.  I wanted to be thankful for the wonderful man that I was blessed to have in my life.  Yet, I tripped time and again, putting the desire for a child before Christ and my husband. 

Imagine my emotion this summer when I was brought face to face with Gods generous answer to my immature begging and pleading so many years before.  Never in a million years did I think that I would be able to enter Notre Dame again with my husband, my children and my Mother (who had to watch my anguish for so many years).  I was brought to tears by the love of our God.  This experience instilled a deeper trust in Christ.  Not because He gave me what I wanted, but because He knew what I needed and WHEN I needed it.    

Happy Birthday Baby!  Who would have thought that a car accident would have brought us together?  That was the best thing that ever happened to me.  You were my hero that day and continue to be a hero to me and to our children.


I love this picture of you looking back at me.  I can see the love for me in your sweet eyes.  Thank you for loving me so passionately and with such intensity.  Did I just say that?  You are an intense man, no doubt about it.  I love it though.  I am not sure what you saw in me so many years ago but let me tell you what I saw in you and continue to see in you.....

First and foremost, you are fine!  (Hey, there needs to be chemistry, I don't care what anybody says).  You are by far the most gorgeous man I have laid eyes on.  That thick dark hair, your romanesque nose and chiseled features.  Oh, I could go on and on but I won't because I know how red you must be getting while reading this. 

I was attracted to your adventurous spirit.  I remember learning that you were a scuba diver,  pilot,  boater, motorcycle rider and bomb technician.  Can I just say "sign me up please":  I hit the jackpot! 

One of our first dates was on your Harley.  Oh, what fun.  I loved the many rides on the back of your bike cruising down Pacific Coast Highway.  The scuba diving was awesome too.  Remember our honeymoon?   You introduced me to a whole new world.  I was mesmerized by the beauty of our underwater world.  The flying, oh the flying.  I loved flying with you and learning the ins and outs of piloting airplanes and helicopters.  It's a miracle we made it through the boating.  I was such a "ding a ling" when it came to learning all there is to know about boating.  You would not allow me to just sit back and enjoy the ride.  Oh no, I had to learn how to back that trailer down the ramp, drive the boat onto the ramp, etc. etc.  I have to say that I never once was frightened of flying, boating, diving or motorcycle riding with you.  I ALWAYS felt safe with you.

The adventures that we have had all pale in comparison to your heart.  Your lifes mission is to make me happy.  You will do just about anything to make me and the kids happy.  Your selfless attitude and generosity is awe inspiring to me. 

I remember the anguish you felt about starting a family.  It was a tough decision but once again you knew how important having children was to me and you underwent years of infertility procedures right along with me. 

Once you found out you were going to be a Father you "kicked it into high gear" and have taken this "parenting gig" very seriously.  You have grown so much as a Father and human being.  Max and Sophie truly bring out the best in you. 

Today I celebrate the love of my life.  My life and my breath.  You are an amazing man and I appreciate all that you do for me and our family.  There are not enough pages to profess my love for you and all that you have done to enrich my life.  I love you!

I was in the backyard this morning having my second cup of coffee watching the kids swim.   I said quietly to myself  "I will miss this pool while in Paris".  We live in our pool from Spring through Summer and into Fall.  I love it because it brings back great memories of my childhood and our pool.  We always had friends and family over swimming.  I lived in my swimsuit, even slept in it at night.  Mom didn't worry about baths in the summer because we were swimming.  Loved that one. 

Funny thing is as soon as I thought this, Dan looked at me and said the same thing.  He also said that he is really getting excited about learning the French culture.  This put a fire in me and now I am ready to get this "train moving."  Let's just get a firm date and move forward.  I am tired of this hurry up and wait.  But alas, it out of my hands and I sit and wait.

This afternoon I cleaned out my closet.  I love purging all my old things that I no longer wear.  It is very easy for me to do this and I rarely have much regret.  I definately like things.........alot........but I am cool with letting them go also.  After my closet, I tackled my dresser and my nightstand.  I found an old journal in my nightstand and what a treasure it turned out to be.  I opened it up and started reading and stumbled on a number of entries about  my struggle with infertility.  My deep desire for a child.  My struggle with focusing so much of my attention on this desire and wanting to channel it into desiring Christ.  I have entries about invitro-fertilization, etc.  The entire process. 

Wow, it brought me back to "those feelings".  It is so hard when you want a child so desperately but for whatever reason, are unable to conceive.  There are so many emotions going on  inside; anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. 

I was comforted while reading about this part of my life because God knew.  He knew it all.  He gave me great comfort in the midst of that journey but He knew we would be blessed.  Thank you Lord for that period in my life.  It drew me closer to you and closer to Dan.  Thank you for the opportunity to lean into You and trust in You (not always but it was always my goal).  Thank you for answering my prayer. 

I wonder if someone reading this blog today might be struggling to have a child.  I want you to know that God can be your shelter through the storm you are in right now.  I don't know what plans He may have for you but I encourage you to cry out to Him.  He truly knows what you are going through and He can give you the wisdom to know what steps you are to take.  He is that soft place to land at the end of the day when you feel that no one understands what you are going through.