I was in the backyard this morning having my second cup of coffee watching the kids swim.   I said quietly to myself  "I will miss this pool while in Paris".  We live in our pool from Spring through Summer and into Fall.  I love it because it brings back great memories of my childhood and our pool.  We always had friends and family over swimming.  I lived in my swimsuit, even slept in it at night.  Mom didn't worry about baths in the summer because we were swimming.  Loved that one. 

Funny thing is as soon as I thought this, Dan looked at me and said the same thing.  He also said that he is really getting excited about learning the French culture.  This put a fire in me and now I am ready to get this "train moving."  Let's just get a firm date and move forward.  I am tired of this hurry up and wait.  But alas, it out of my hands and I sit and wait.

This afternoon I cleaned out my closet.  I love purging all my old things that I no longer wear.  It is very easy for me to do this and I rarely have much regret.  I definately like things.........alot........but I am cool with letting them go also.  After my closet, I tackled my dresser and my nightstand.  I found an old journal in my nightstand and what a treasure it turned out to be.  I opened it up and started reading and stumbled on a number of entries about  my struggle with infertility.  My deep desire for a child.  My struggle with focusing so much of my attention on this desire and wanting to channel it into desiring Christ.  I have entries about invitro-fertilization, etc.  The entire process. 

Wow, it brought me back to "those feelings".  It is so hard when you want a child so desperately but for whatever reason, are unable to conceive.  There are so many emotions going on  inside; anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. 

I was comforted while reading about this part of my life because God knew.  He knew it all.  He gave me great comfort in the midst of that journey but He knew we would be blessed.  Thank you Lord for that period in my life.  It drew me closer to you and closer to Dan.  Thank you for the opportunity to lean into You and trust in You (not always but it was always my goal).  Thank you for answering my prayer. 

I wonder if someone reading this blog today might be struggling to have a child.  I want you to know that God can be your shelter through the storm you are in right now.  I don't know what plans He may have for you but I encourage you to cry out to Him.  He truly knows what you are going through and He can give you the wisdom to know what steps you are to take.  He is that soft place to land at the end of the day when you feel that no one understands what you are going through.